The Sisters We Choose

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates". 

-Carrie Bradshaw

 

If soulmates exist, I am increasingly convinced they are not limited to the romantic. They arrive as friends you meet in the bathroom at a party in high school, in elementary school on the playground, or through your then- boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend in college, or someone you meet at your first big girl job. Whatever  it is, however you meet, we clique with people and we decide fairly quickly that from that point forward we want to just do things together. 

I think the idea of intimacy is generally hierarchical; that romance is at the top and friendship beneath that. That may be true for a lot of people. We all know those girls that get a boyfriend and drop off the face of the planet and in some ways, I understand that. I think that's inevitable, especially as fall in love and start having babies and sinking into the chaos of working full time, carting kids around to their activities, going to so and so's birthday/ holiday/ retirement party. All of which we tend to do as a family unit, once we have one. And friendships do sometimes take a bit of a  backseat, understandably. 

To my detriment, maybe, I have always kept my best friends at an equilibrium with my spouse. My closest friends and I talk at least once every single day (that is really putting it lightly). If we don't, alarm bells sound in my mind like a little reminder to do an audit and make sure everyone in the squad is still alive and well. 

What I have learned slowly and unmistakably, is that some of the most enduring bonds of my life have been forged outside of romance. They have been forged in friendship, and in shared becoming. In being pregnant at the same time. In realizing that we were dating the same guy at the same time (ohhh to be 15 years old again), in clicking immediately in our highschool forum and bonding over skipping first period to get McDonalds coffees and smoke pot (I'm sorry, Mom). 

What makes these bonds so special is not their intensity, but their endurance. And I think about this often, as the majority of my friendships are at minimum a decade old, some closer to two. I tend not to cycle through friends as some women do. And I understand, that as we age and adapt and go through the cycles of life it makes make sense for our main friend groups to adapt and change with us. This has not been the case for me unless you count a somewhat recent period of time in which I "lost" several friends that were very special to me, which is a topic that I have addressed and written about at length privately. That literature will never see the light of day but if you're reading this, you know what you did and the karmic consequences of your choices have been both satisfying and validating to watch. And that's on loyalty. 

In short, the friends that I have in my inner circle are mostly the same ones that have been there for a very long time, save and except for some more recent besties I've picked up in the last few years through more circumstantial things like my career and Mommyhood. 

There is a particular intimacy in being witnessed by the same people over time. In being known for who you are now but also for all the versions of you that you have been. These women know all of the versions of me that I currently am, and the ones I have outgrown. The ones I survived, and the ones that I am still learning from and trying to forgive. They allow me to be contradictory, silly, feminine, hysterical, unfinished, and in flux. 

These women not only happily accept my 5 minute voice notes, but they respond without delay. They show up to my house with a dozen red roses- a gesture about as sweet and romantic as they come. They have helped me pack and unpack my life after making the decision to end a marriage and start over. Built new furniture in my starting over home. They bring coffee or wine or both. They write birthday cards to me that I cannot read in public because I'll start crying. They have cared for and held my babies when I needed a minute to re calibrate. They have sent their husbands to my house with tools and helping hands. They have fully and completely let me beat a dead horse by talking about and through the same thing over and over and over again until the wounds start to heal, and have done so with open arms and affirmations and validation, but most importantly, without judgement. They have kept my secrets. They have lovingly given me their warnings only to forego capitalizing on the opportunities to say "I told you so" in the end.  They have supported me in all of my endeavors, through all of my crazy ideas- the ones that have bopped and the ones that have flopped. They send me the sweetest/most thoughtful/hilarious/unhinged content on Instagram with a note "this is so you/ so us". They make me feel seen and most importantly, so so loved. Perhaps more loved and understood than anyone's dusty son has ever made me feel, and that is why I continue to prioritize these relationships and put them up on such a pedestal. 

In a culture that prioritizes being desired, these women have taught me the value of being seen and truly known. There is a theory that suggests our identities are relational, basically that we become ourselves through being reflected back by the people we spend the most time with. And if that is true, then these women have been instrumental in my becoming. They have supported the contours of my softness and my courage. And unlike romantic love, which is often narrated as urgent and all-consuming, these loves have been spacious. Allowing room for distance without disconnection, silence without rupture. Change without abandonment. 

I always thought that if I got married again I would include the bible verse Corinthians 13:4 in my vows- a verse I have always loved so much and often thought about when deciding whether or not to end my last two significant relationships:

  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs". 

The older I get and the more I think about this verse, I think about my friends first and foremost. My girlfriends, my loves, the sisters I have chosen. My soulmates. You are not secondary characters in my life. You are foundational. You are home. 

Thanks for loving little old me.

<3