Homes for the Holidays

For parents, there’s nothing more special than watching our kids’ faces light up on Christmas morning. Hell, a lot of us make a whole month of it with the elf on the shelf- something our parents never did for us because they weren’t clinically insane. But for those of us who are divorced, the Christmas magic sometimes comes with a side of heartache—a reminder that sharing that time isn’t easy, even when it’s what’s best for everyone.

When I first became a Mom- and for years to follow, we spent Christmas mornings in matching pajamas, with messy hair, having coffee and Baileys for breakfast (just the parents obviously), hearing laughter echoing through the house as we tore into presents. I NEVER imagined I’d one day be wrapping my children in their coats and sending them off to their other house, waving goodbye as they disappeared into someone else’s Christmas.

If you’ve ever felt that too, you’re not alone. Sharing Christmas can be hard. Really hard. In fact, as I type these words, it’s hard to find the right ones that justify the weight behind how hard it is. 

 

The Tea

 Our kids get double the Christmas. They get two trees, two stockings, two families excited to love on them and make them feel special. Two turkey dinners- albeit on different days. They get two of those damn elves (actually three, because my partner is a Dad to 2 sweet boys and they had one too before we amalgamated our families). And for the kids, that’s what matters—love, connection, and the knowledge that, no matter what, the parents and families on both sides are showing up for them.

The Hard

 The hard parts...? Well where do we begin? Being the parent who doesn’t get to watch every gift be opened or hear every squeal of delight. I can hear my five year old daughter now excitedly asking if she can take every single thing out of its box as she rips the paper off her gifts in record time. It’s watching the door close as they leave. Even worse, seeing all their toys that they just got, sit there, and wait for their new owner's return. It’s the empty house and the quiet that feels too loud. It’s missing the moments you used to take for granted while you were white knuckling your  marriage. The trade off seems really unfair. And as more time goes on, and with the more healing I do, I realize that it really is no wonder that so many people stay in unhappy marriages. This shit is not for the faint of heart.

For a single Mom- I can't or won't speak for single Dads because I am not one but perhaps they feel a bit of the same-  Christmas can be especially difficult, as societal expectations amplify the pressures of family togetherness and holiday perfection. The image of a "picture-perfect" Christmas can feel painfully out of reach when Mom is navigating the complexities of sharing her kids during the holiday season. We all know that social media brings about that old adage "comparison is the thief of joy" on a good day, and this can be especially, even painfully, true around the holidays. The pressure to make the holidays magical for her kids, even if they're not with her, adds to the emotional weight. 

In the past, despite my best efforts, the reality of sharing my kids with their Dad left me feeling a little disconnected from the festive cheer that others seem to effortlessly embrace. In these moments, it becomes easy to forget that Christmas doesn't have to fit into a perfect mold; it’s about creating memories however they come, and finding meaning in the shared experiences, no matter how imperfect they might seem. Last year, at the time, I thought I was going to feel guilty and awful forever and have the same thoughts and experiences year after year until my kids were old. This year, I am so happy to report that I finally feel like we are sinking into a groove as co-parents and co-families, and not only that, but the universe has truly rewarded me for all the challenges I've faced, showering me with blessings, abundance and turning my struggles into something beautiful. Now that I've reached the light at the end of the tunnel, things are really, really awesome.

The truly reflective part of it all, is realizing that Christmas is bigger than one day, bigger than one house, and even bigger than your expectations of what it’s supposed to look like.  That’s the shit they don’t put in story books, but rather these are painful lessons peppered with “aha” moments you have as you get older. And it's so freaking cliche but guess what? Time really DOES heal wounds!!

Redefining the Magic

 Being a divorced parent means learning to be flexible with traditions. It means realizing Christmas can come on December 24th, December 26th, or whenever you get to have your kids home with you. Kids don’t give a flying F about calendars (we know this because they fly by the seat of their pants all year round, just expecting to be carted to and fro, hoping there's a snack and a drink accessible to them, and are otherwise quite oblivious), and Christmas really is no exception. Kids care about MEMORIES.

There’s space to honor your feelings, to miss your kids, but also to find gratitude. Gratitude that they are surrounded by people who love them. Gratitude that you get to create a home where they feel safe and cherished. And gratitude that their other parent is hyper focused on doing the same.

What I Do

Navigating our new life has brought about new traditions, and there are some things I have really leaned in to, in order to hone in on the Christmas magic for my kids (and my two bonus kids) to make sure it's super fun and magical for all of us- regardless of who has the kids and when.

1) I go ham with the Elf on the shelf. I can hear your eyes rolling into the back of your head and I know, I know.  But rest assured, the kids really love it and it brings about a sense of excitement and joy that lasts the entire month. Our elves bring treats, small gifts (think Gingerbread house kits, Christmas socks), and get up to some pretty funny stuff. All four kids, especially the younger two at age eight and five, love rushing downstairs in the morning to see what the elves are doing. Even the older two (age eleven and ten) who know "Santa isn't real" get excited and it's been really sweet to have them participate in the Elf ideas, and keep the magic alive for the younger ones. It's a very easy and inexpensive way to foster extra joy during the season, and we only forgot to move those little guys once all month :)

2) I make sure that we are crafting, or picking out gifts (or both) for my kid's Dad and his partner. Doing this, I think, sets a really good example for my kids and teaches them deep life lessons that they likely don't comprehend yet- but they will. The kids also take part in picking out gifts for my partner's kid's Mother (YES you can call us a modern day Brady Bunch!), and their family on their Dad's side, which is from me and them. As long as I am able to, I intend on doing this with them every year.

3) As soon as December 1st rolls around we do the tree, decorate the house, bust out the advent calendars, play Christmas music and movies nonstop. These facilitate the making of CORE memories, which again, cost very little,  but mean a whole lot to the little ones.

4) We give back. We donate, we volunteer, and we have many discussions about the true meaning of Christmas, and how lucky we are. And we know we are.

I hope if you're struggling this Holiday season- maybe you're a newly single parent, or you're thinking that you might be next year- I hope this has brought you some comfort and made you feel the feels. I hope you find a little bit of beauty in the madness, and you don't forget to count your blessings even when it's hard.

<3